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Catherine C: Surviving Daughter of Pulmonary Fibrosis Patient

I cannot put into words how much it hurts.

My mum, Pauline, was diagnosed with chronic fibrosing alveolitis (CFA) in November 2004. After numerous visits to get second opinions, we were told that it was not CFA, but no-one could tell us exactly what it was.

Less than twelve months later, on September 8, 2005, my mum died in the hospital, after suffering a collapsed lung three weeks earlier. Mum did not smoke at any time in her life, and worked full time right up until she was admitted to the hospital.

I cannot put into words how much it hurts. I am thirty-two years of age, but I feel lost and vulnerable without my mum. The image of her dying in the hospital, knowing that she was dying, and telling us that she loved us and would always be with us, will haunt me forever.

On the outside, I am doing fine. I'm holding down a good job and looking after my dad and brothers, but inside I am screaming. I miss her so much and feel so sad all the time. I also feel that no one else understands. I have female friends who I thought would be able to empathize with me, but they are not able to give me the support that I would really benefit from. How can they not know how horrendous this is?

I would love to talk to other women who have lost their mums and just want to talk about their feelings. I am a good listener! Thank you for your time.

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ISN Artist: Sherrill Knaggs (In Loving Memory)

Sherrill Knaggs, ISN Artist, created the digital photo to illustrate the story on this page. Sherrill lived in New Zealand. Her story was featured in ISN's book, Voices of Scleroderma Volume 2.

ISN Story Editor: Judith Thompson Devlin

Judith Thompson Devlin is the ISN Story Editor for this story. She is also lead editor of the ISN's wonderful Voices of Scleroderma book series!

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